Monday, November 23, 2009

Goodwill Hunting: Killing Them, With Kindness


Good ideas are hard to come by, so when we find one, like huntress and animal activist Pamela Bertch’s idea that hunting animals will save them from starvation and accidental death on roadways, we should put it to use whenever we can. Especially in analogous cases, in which the problem and its root causes are similar.

Hunting animals is a necessity, proponents say, because overpopulation and diminished food supply create hunger and overcrowding so intense that animals are forced onto highways where they are struck and killed by camper vans, semis, motorcycles and even diminutive European cars and electric vehicles. It is, say hunters/animal-lovers, a far better fate for an animal to be shot between the antlers than to starve or be run over by joy-riders; so much better a fate that it isn’t as illogical and crazy as it sounds to say that shooting an animal is “saving” it from death.

If that logic is true, then it will also be true in every sad situation created by diminished food supply, overpopulation and the proximity of roadways.

In America today over forty million people live without reliable access to food, on or below the poverty line, starving or at risk of starving and near a street. Many of those people are children. Would it not be more humane, kinder and gentler, as it is for animals, to save those children from a life of starvation and deprivation by hunting them? Dying from lack of food could take years, whereas being shot in the head from long range by a skilled hunter would be quick and painless.

A child on a swing set or playing in a sand box or riding a bicycle is momentarily happy, blissfully unaware of the lifetime of poverty and struggle ahead. Why not kill that child and make its last moment a happy moment? Why not take that child out of life while he or she is still enjoying it?

And if it is kinder to kill kids rather than let them grow up to die of malnutrition or in an automobile accident, then surely it is a good idea to hunt adults who are already suffering. There are too many people in America for too few jobs and that means hunger and desperation, and those conditions combined mean crime, mayhem and murder. Instead of extending health care to these people, thereby keeping more of them alive (upwards of forty-five thousand a year who are now dying without health care) and exacerbating the overpopulation problem, why not hunt them and “cull the herd”?

If we follow the example set by Kenya in regard to safaris, and charge for man-hunting licenses, trophy fees, and other management fees (government guides who certify legitimate targets, certificates of rightful death, surveyors and census takers to establish overpopulation zones where death will do the most good for the population, etc.) the money accruing from man-hunting can go to local towns and cities to help improve living conditions for the citizens who are not lucky enough to be shot. Imagine the benefits to Detroit of an exhaustive “hunt”. Unemployment lines would shrink, food supply among survivors would be increased and housing would open up. And it is a win-win situation because the “hunted” will have been “saved”, as hunters say, from a miserable life.

We already accept the correctness of euthanasia in the case of suffering animals. We are even beginning to accept assisted suicide as the right of suffering human beings. So what could the objection be to PRE-euthanizing animals before they suffer food shortages or collisions with cars and trucks? What could the objection be to pre-euthanizing humans, especially children, at risk of poverty and hunger?

I suppose a small objection might be that it is hard to tell which child or animal is actually going to starve or be hit by a car. We can’t tell the future, after all. Certainly, in the case of children, we can’t really know which at-risk child might beat the odds and grow up healthy and become a contributing member of society, perhaps even a very valuable doctor, scientist, musician or comedian. We can only hope that the kids we kill would’ve died anyway without ever having amounted to much. The same for the animals: we can only hope that each of them we kill is as happy to be dead as we are to have killed them. But while we take a risk when reducing to zero the potential suffering of the wrong child or animal, isn’t it a risk that all animal loving and life-affirming people have to take? Conscientious hunters know that we must risk the animal for the sake of the animals. We must also risk the CHILD for the sake of the CHILDREN.

(On a side note: if hunting animals “saves” them from worse fates, and if the same logic applies to people – and why wouldn’t it? what’s good for the geese is good for the hunter – and if we accept that life the world over is mostly tough and cruel and shortened by war, famine and disease, then isn’t abortion the ultimate kindness? Wouldn’t keeping people safe from having to suffer life at all really be the kindest, most compassionate course of action? It sounds counterintuitive, but if hunting helps animals, then isn’t a culture of death the best way to honor and promote a culture of life for humans?)

A secondary benefit comes when we are open and forthright about the modern motivation to hunt: the thrill of the kill. The vast majority of hunters do not hunt for food. Trophy hunters on safari, like Pamela Bertch’s husband and his fellow members of Safari Club International, are not hoping to bring home a couple tons of elephant burgers. They are hoping to experience the thrill of killing a large, dangerous animal, hopefully, at the very least, an endangered species, and especially a predator. What then could be more fulfilling for these hunters than hunting and killing the most dangerous predator on earth: Man. (And if we can kill enough “men”, maybe, “fingers crossed”, they’ll become endangered, too!)

As I said earlier, a good idea is a good idea and we should use it to improve life wherever and whenever we can. Shooting the homeless, the mentally impaired, the starving and poverty-stricken and their children to save them from lives blighted by bad diets, stupidity and dangerous roads is as humane and thoughtful to do as it is for animals similarly affected. And the thing about hunting our overpopulation of poor people is, not only is it the right thing to do, it is also fun! Remember how happy Sarah Palin looked squatting over her freshly killed moose?

If, as Pamela Bertch, the Safari Club International and others like them believe, we hunt and kill animals because we love them, don’t we owe our fellow citizens the same moral and ethical considerations? We have suffering people; we have their children who, if they are not already suffering, soon will be suffering; we have the guns. All we need is the political will to legalize shooting people and we can begin “saving” them as early as next fall, when hunting season begins. Let’s make the opening of hunting season “open season” on losers so that it can also be, for people as it is for the animals, the opening of the season of compassion.

Kevin Rooney

Thanksgiving week, 2009

97 comments:

Kristina said...

Absolutely brilliant! I have been making this analogy for years - although not quite so cleverly or articulately! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

This is why I love you. You're the smartest and the funniest. And you're the father of my dogs.

Carly Lyn said...

Excellent. I am so envious of your way with words.

rshides said...

Where can I get me a license to hunt one of them dead-end kids?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for making me realize that hunters have this amazing psychic ability to know that these dear animals, that they so dearly love, will potentially starve or become roadkill. I'm so glad that you made us aware of the great work that hunters are doing for the environment - literally, killing them (with kindness). And, I whole-heartedly agree with the process of weeding out the less-perfect humans in existence. How kind to eliminate them before they might suffer hardships of life. If you just wipe out all animals and humans, then, I guess, no one will starve or suffer. What forward thinkers those hunters are - mow 'um down first, so they won't suffer...eventually!

Anonymous said...

Carol Ware, Deb Shaver Dempsey, Nani Lynn Ohana and 8 others like this.

Cathy DunneI can see whay he is award winning, he put into words what has been swimming in a chaotic fashion in my head. Ver clever.
Yesterday at 7:37pm · Delete

Peter Chaofricking fantastic! so true and damn funny!
Yesterday at 7:39pm · Delete

Kristina BowmanAbsolutely brilliant! I have been making this analogy for years - although not quite so cleverly or articulately! Thank you!
Yesterday at 7:58pm · Delete

Carole Raphaelle DavisShare it!
Yesterday at 8:02pm · Delete

Carly LynI love how he calls it "Goodwill Hunting". Brilliant!
Yesterday at 8:06pm · Delete

Carole SaxLove, I'm posting everywhere, Good for you Kevin.
Yesterday at 8:25pm · Delete

Amy DisstonDUDE!!!! i am ROTFLMFAO!!!!!! BRILLIANT!!! am passing this on to everyone i know!!! sooooo funny and soooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 hours ago · Delete

Jamie Downeyfrickin brilliant!! Love it and reposted it!!! Damn, Kevin is one amazing, talented dude!!
9 hours ago · Delete

Phil Anthropissed said...

Fantastic stuff, Kevin. Do you know what would be the best gear for me to bag one of them 8-point white-tailed red-necked yellow-bellied lily-livered huntersapiens? In the mini-scrotumed subspecies, I hear it's hard to tell the males. Is is rutting season?

Judith said...

Brilliant!! I've never in my life wanted to learn to use a gun more than I want to now..Cruising the streets of the homeless....
We need to hear more from you Kevin..

Anonymous said...

After I found out about the "real Pamela", I told her that her husband has done an amazing job on programming her. And that she made the perfect stepford wife. I was called every name in the book...
Hunters= evil

NOYK said...

if you are planning a barbecue please let me know.
NOYK

Judith said...

Are we going to barbecue Pamela?!

Doug Briz said...

1 how much is the license
2 what is the bag limit
3 is it illegal to hunt on the first of the month in a tree stand near the welfare office?

Gary Kaskel said...

Kevin, you are the Jonathan Swift of our day. Well put, my friend.

Unknown said...

I have a brother who is a hunter and says these same things! Now he is into the bow and arrow. I also have a brother 'n law whose BROTHER used to take business men on African safaris. I believe it is outlawed now. Thank God. WHEN DOES THE MADNESS END?? When we can start shooting all those starving or about to die in the roads. GREAT POINTS!!!!

Judith said...

Pamela, you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. Blood lust is in your heart and Jesus doesn't love you. People are just now learning about you, does having an arrow that your brother used on an innocent sentient being that screams in pain and agony bring you joy, Pamela, Jesus doesn't love you. I pray you have no children, that would be tragic for our world. Hunters are known to be abusers, does your husband abuse your little dog?, perhaps someone should check just to make sure and be on the safe side. Wouldn't you agree dear?! Anyone that can say what you have about hunting has a dark heart and an even darker soul. You and your Jesus are going to have to have a very long talk, unless it is not he who will be meeting you. Such violence, simply horrific.....May your soul find peace...
Love, Judith

Mostly Magic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristina said...

Anonymous, you nailed that one right on the head!

Judith said...

We really need to hear much more from you Kevin. We and the animals truly need you in our corner. Your writing is absolutely amazing...Dear Anonymous, sometimes when your dealing with a certain person like this,it does become a little personal..But Kristina is right on, YOU NAILED IT. Its wonderful to know that we have people like you and Kevin on the side of the sentient beings.. They need help so badly...
Judith

Teacher Man said...

I read your post on Facebook, a friend of mine posted it there. You appear to be an affable fellow, and perhaps if we met at some social event, we we would share an interesting conversation. I enjoyed reading your writing because it was quite humorous. However, I do disagree with you about hunting. When I read the posts people made, it seemed that most people were in agreement with you, so I thought I'd share my disagreement.

Below are my comments that I wrote on my friends post. She asked the following when she posted a link to your blog: "What do you all think of hunting? I have several relatives who do it regularly, and a few friends as well; it's always churned my stomach. This post is thought-provoking." My response follows. I felt it only fair to send it to you.

Two students I taught while they were in eight grade, one is now in 10th and the other in 12th, lost their stepfather this past Friday. He was shot on opening day of deer season by another hunter. The father was hunting, because it is one of the means by which he provides food for his family. I should note that he was the only consistent male figure in these boy's lives.

Rooney's supposition in "Goodwill Hunting" against hunting (supposedly ironic) that just like deer are hunted to prevent overcrowding poor Americans who suffer from hunger should also be hunted (that is culled from the herd) to relieve any future suffering they will experience, is repulsive at best. At minimal it ignores the fact that in America a small but real population suffers from hunger. More grotesquely, the post extends the argument that since hunting benefits over populated wild animals by preventing starvation, hunting other groups of people, like the homeless or mentally ill, would benefit society. The notion is simply sick, reminiscent of the Nazi regime.

A real person whose children I had the honor of teaching lost his life, and a loving family suffers. My students did not loose their father vainly. He was doing what he knew to care for his family by providing them food. Judging him for his choice would be inhumane.

[Addressing the query in my friends post] I'm curious. Is it the notion of death itself that "churn your stomach," the death of creatures at the hands of other creatures, or something else? For me or what "churns my stomach" is suffering; death is natural, and the cessation of suffering is humane.

Kristina said...

I'm sorry but am I the only one that doesn't really buy this story? If he was so poor that he hunts to feed his family, then how can he afford the weapons, ammunition & licenses etc. etc..It is not cheap to hunt, unless you are a poacher.It seems he could have used that money to buy food. I still think the main reason hunters hunt is the shear, sick blood & guts glory of it! He died at the hands of another hunter. Thank God it wasn't an innocent child or another innocent person simply hiking through the woods. I'm very sorry for the boys, but at the risk of sounding heartless, I think hunting accidents between hunters is Karma!

Kevin Rooney said...

Thank you all for the feedback. I appreciate it and hope you all are just the vanguard of a movement that will finally legalize hunting "at risk" people. I am already preparing my own Homeless Helicopter Hunting Tours: A Mission of Mercy To Get Homeless People Off The Street And Into A Safe, Secure All-Pine, Underground "Home". (Flights, lodging meals incl. Trophies guar. BYOG&Bs.)

Doug: With the national debt out of control and real unemployment at @17%, I expect license fees to be low, bag-limits to be all-you-can-carry and that unemployment centers, shelters and welfare offices will be like watering holes: great places to lie in wait for desperate game and shoot them.

Great times are coming. America is as stocked with "game" as a Dick Cheney bird hunt. You'll hardly have to aim to hit a needy American. It will be like the old buffalo hunts in the wild west, when hunters sat in comfortable train cars and shot out the windows into vast herds of magnificent animals. In fact, if I were looking to make some money, I'd get into taxidermy right away. I mean, what hunter wants to go through all the effort of shooting something and not end up with a head on the wall? What a fantastic addition to any hunter's collection of bobcat, lynx, deer, antelope and boar heads: the startled former auto-worker, "saved" as he foraged in a dumpster!

Gary Kaskel -- it is a stretch comparing my very modest proposal to Swift's, but thank you.

Elaine said...

I am a friend of "Teacher Man" and am the person who posted a link on Facebook to this post (as I know others have as well).

Though I have always struggled with the ethics of hunting, I think that it may be *less* unethical to hunt one's food than to put billions of animals on factory farms. Of course, in the modern day, most of us do NOT hunt.

I eat a vegan diet, so I neither hunt nor buy meat. I could agree with the likely response that if we all went vegan, well, we would neither hunt nor have factory farms. Yeah, but most people are unlikely to go vegan, even if it is a growing movement.

I am leery of people who think that everybody else should see the world from only their POV. When one is sure one is right, it is very easy to divide the world into the categories of humane (i.e., vegan or vegetarian, non-hunters) and non-humane (meat-eaters, hunters). People who can easily do this tend, more often than not, to come from quite a privileged world view -- a world where food is not hard for them to obtain, for instance.

Teacher Man teaches in a very poor area beset by all the horrors of poverty -- single-parent families, low education, few jobs, poor transportation, racism, etc. It's not at all unbelievable to me that some people he knows would supplement their groceries by hunting. True, they may like the thrill of the hunt as well, but I suspect that many also are driven by the self-reliance factor just as much.

OF COURSE the argument that hunting to save animals' lives is (to put it charitably) a poor one! But the parallel argument presented here is, as Teacher Man put it, reminiscent of Nazism.

The most defensible argument for hunting I've heard (from another friend of mine, who does occasionally hunt) is that when animal populations become too large, there can be sizable environmental consequences; in such instances, hunting can be logically argued to be the lesser evil. Should you allow deer to overpopulate the NE (they used to regularly be in my 50 x 100 city lot in an OLD town in NJ, for instance)? Such drastic overpopulation causes a ripple of unwanted effects to both the animal and plant worlds. Perhaps controlled hunting is actually preferable to these effects.

In any case, it's absolutely ridiculous (though, I admit, thought-provoking) to try to make killing poor children a parallel argument to the (already poor) argument that killing animals spares them from starvation.

As much as I

Judith said...

Kevin, my husband is a pilot and he has been flying for about 25 years. He will do anything you would like to do. We have our own plane but not a chopper, but he is more than willing to finish his training in one. So you've got it made.....Happy hunting dear hearts.....

Teacher Man said...

Kristina,

I didn't want to use the parents name because I wanted to protect the children. If you wish, you can read about the shooting at the following link.

http://www.cdispatch.com/news/article.asp?aid=3879

A hunting license for a resident of Mississippi costs $33.85 a season. See link for verification: http://home.mdwfp.com/License/info.aspx?id=23

Ammunition is about $20 per box depending on the weapon. One box contains 25 - 50 bullets depending on the type of ammunition.

New rifles are expensive, but there is a vast used market here and I'm sure you could pick up a nice used deer rifle for $150 - $300. Assuming he owned his rifle for several year, which I happen to know he did, for $50 a person could shoot two or three deer and feed his/her family for the winter, which is not an uncommon practice here.

Judith said...

90% of the people don't hunt deers for food anymore, its all about the thrill of the kill. I read an article where some sicko said that, everytime he went hunting and was able find a kill, he said it was like having an "orgasm", like no other before.. Thats pathetic and as sick as one could be...Killing an innocent living being just so he can get his rocks off or whatever they call it now..Thats murder, and I believe in, an eye for an eye..And thats all I have to say about that...My truth..Sick, sick, sick...

Judith said...

Jinky, your post was quite amazing but one thing is troubling me. I went to your web page or what ever it is and you had a blog there, I guess one of your favorites, its called something like, The Life of a Hollywood Dog, or some other name that I can't remember, what I'm gettin at is that site is, Pamela Bertchs site,and she is going on and on about hunting and how great it is and of course, how great she is. So what is it. Are you for real or thinking you can pull one over on us....I don't trust you already, you are not an ARA.....

Judith said...

Dear Jinky, my mistake, I'm so sorry..I'm a total mess over this Pamela, its turned me inside out. I read everything about us going to hell and how Glen Beck has given her millions of dollars for the hunting partys etc. I don't know what to say, I told Kristina that I'm truly scared of this woman. We had a terrible fight. And we haven't spoken since, but she isn't a friend except on Facebook when we were so called friends, then I found out about the hunting and I really was quite upset...Once again, I'm so very, very sorry...
Judith

Judith said...

This is just for a heads up!!
Pamela, you're really screwed..You are losing friends right and left! I was only facebooks friends with you about a year and I'm getting tons of emails from people I don't even know. Of course, it doesn't help sharing Kevin Rooney's article on my wall twice a day, and for some reason your name shows up. But, you always have your hunter friends. P.S., people that you think are friends, well, they can't stand you...They are just scared of you.
Happy Trails,
Judith

Scuba Diva said...

The first thing that came to mind for me was A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift; as a matter of fact, children are delicious! I can picture top chefs (Gordon Ramsay, in particular) creating gastronomic marvels using the tender flesh of babies.

This would do wonders for easing overpopulation, and remove the taboo of cannibalism. I'm all for this—but I'm too old to be tasty; maybe I'd be used for pet food.

Unknown said...

i think Hitler had similar beliefs.

Anonymous said...

Good man, Roon -- shades of Charles Lamb and his Modest Proposal Dick Cole

Anonymous said...

What do vegans suggest for native Americans and inhabitants of arctic regions who hunt for food and use skins for clothing?

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